Bittersweet Nostalgia
by mifune
Summary: Nobody said it was only a matter of instinct. (RuHana)


BITTERSWEET NOSTALGIA

The sky was pitch black. There were no stars appearing to twinkle but only the small patch of the moon struggling to envelope every single entity with the feeble light it seems to own.

I gazed sluggishly at the timepiece fastened around my pale, emaciated wrist.

_It's 11:35. Almost midnight._

I grabbed my windbreaker and set out to go for a stroll around the city park. No more were the bustling conversations of adults, the high-pitched giggling of the teenagers and the fired up tag games of the little kids. Instead, those were replaced by a loud, earsplitting stillness. A silence so powerful and intimidating that not even the usual whirring bugs threatened to break it.

_I've always loved silence. Until he came._

Flashback

"Ne, Kaede, you have to talk!" Sakuragi was shaking the living daylights out of me.

"No," I replied drearily, staring indolently at the redhead.

"Why not?!"

"Just because. Why yes?"

"Because it's going to make me happy to know that, that...I don't know!" the fiery guy replied in sheer frustration.

I grinned inwardly, feeling quite accomplished that I was actually working him up. He simply looked so damn adorable that way.

"See, you can't even give me one good reason. Why should I do it then?" I taunted him.

"You didn't give an acceptable one yourself! Ha! Look who's talking now?"

"Oh, yes? I watch my words, do'aho. Come to think of it, do you ever think of what's coming out of your mouth? You're one inane do'aho, really."

"TEME! You try to tell me that..."

And for the second time that day, I smiled to myself because I knew then that I already was and will always be doing it nonetheless.

End of Flashback

_Screw that. Why am I even thinking about him anyway? _

I kicked a piece of stone under my shoe, the intensity of such creating a resonating sound in the area.

_Because in the first place, he's the reason why you're actually in this park in the middle of the night, musing over things,_ my subconscious bluntly pointed out to me.

I ignored it. I sauntered some more, scanning the whole of the area. The park's spacious. The playgrounds, the ball courts...they're all over the place. Then there's this cheesy portion for couples on the eastern portion.

I chuckled silently.

_The lover's lane. I can't believe I have actually gone there. _

Flashback

"Hey, why don't we try that area over there?" Sakuragi dragged me enthusiastically toward the lover's lane.

"Hana, I don't go to places like that. It's tacky." I told him, trying to remove his unyielding grip on my arm.

"Kaede, what are you talking about? It's the lover's lane! It's not tacky, it's romantic!" He looked at me as if I was one three-eared monster.

"You're such a sentimental fool."

"And you're such a crabby, old grandpa. Come on, we're just going to try it!" He continued pulling my arm.

"I'm not going to be seen in such a tasteless place, I'm telling you." I wasn't relenting.

"Oh, please, why—oooh, I get it! You think it's tasteless because it's so dark in there! Admit it, Kaede, that's your secret, ne? You fear the dark!" The redhead laughed boisterously as if he has actually figured out a real mystery.

"I don't. Do'aho."

But no matter how I tried not to, we reached the lover's lane all the same.

He slipped his fingers between mine and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Don't worry, Kaede. I'm here with you," he told me with such ardor.

And I was almost smiling because I was depicting an image in my mind of a child trying to protect his little toy truck from the evil spirits.

End of Flashback

_That guy...so naïve._

I sniggered quietly.

_But perhaps he was right then. I feared the dark. I used to when he wasn't there. He washed it all away when he came uncalled for. _

I got tired of ambling around. I sat down on one of the rusting swings. Then as if it was intended to happen, I noticed my right finger and the silver round band surrounding it.

I smiled bitterly.

_I still haven't removed it yet. _

Flashback

I took his hand and slipped the glistening hoop around his ring finger.

"Happy anniversary," I greeted him hastily, looking away as soon as I gave him the ring. I couldn't bear to see his reaction. I just couldn't.

All of a sudden, I felt a pair of long arms encircling my waist, embracing me from behind.

"You don't have to say anything anymore. I love it, Kaede. And I love you," he murmured softly in my ear.

End of Flashback

_I loved you too, Hana. As a matter of fact, I still do._

I put on my jacket. The wind was getting unendurably chilly.

_You told me I didn't have to say anything. I just did as you wished._

I wrapped my pallid limbs around my now trembling body. I did so abruptly that without really meaning to, I scraped the back of my hand on a loose screw on one of the metal handles of the swing. Blood oozed from my skin. I pressed the skin down, attempting to let the red fluid gush out further.

_How I fancy this crimson color. It's the same shade of his hair, as scorching as the attitude he always has on..._

I didn't realize it was paining.

..._and as wounding as the agony I caused us both. We were happy. I trashed everything up._

Flashback

"Do you even love me, Kaede?" He looked at me expectantly, his eyes full of so much raw emotion.

_So much, Hana_ was what I was intending to say but what came out was, "You know the answer to that." What an aloof and impassive response.

Was I a bastard and did I not know why.

"Damn it! When will you ever get tired of merely letting me assume what's going on between us?" Tears were welling up his eyes.

I looked away because I didn't want to see him crying.

"Answer me, Kaede!"

I wanted to hug him because he seemed so lost and vulnerable. But I restrained myself in doing so.

"I don't want to talk about this, Hana," I responded, my voice free of any emotion.

He didn't reply. Silence reigned for moments.

"Will I just be forever guessing if perhaps, you really do feel something for me, huh, Kaede?" he then addressed me quite suddenly.

I heaved a sigh.

"Is everything not enough?" I asked him in distress.

He didn't turn to look at me.

"Give me time, Hana."

"Until when?" That's when he looked up at me expectantly, anticipating my reply.

But I didn't know as well.

"I don't...I don't know."

He gave me an acrimonious smile.

And then he left.

End of Flashback

_It's my fault, I know. I just didn't and still don't know what to do._

"If only you knew how much, Hana, if only you knew," I spoke silently to myself.

I glanced at my hand. The blood had dried up, leaving a tiny, reddish graze on my skin. The sensation it brought was hollow and aching.

I took a glimpse of my watch.

_It's a minute after 12._

Getting up from my feet, I deserted the park and went on my way home.

The sky was pitch black. There were no stars appearing to twinkle but only the small patch of the moon struggling to envelope every single entity with the feeble light it seems to own.

Author's Notes:

I just had a talk with a friend when this idea for a fic came into mind. Heh.

So, how was it? I would deeply appreciate your thoughts on this.


End file.
